In the previous two posts on Colossians we have examined what the Bible says about Christian wives and Christian husbands.
We have looked specifically at Colossians 3:18-19 where we’ve studied these biblical commands:
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (v.18)
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. (v.19)
But what about the bad days when husbands and wives find themselves at odds with one another? It does happen, right?!
Nearly every couple is challenged with maintaining good communication in their marriage. To that end, I’d like to share some practical principles that I picked up from my friend, Danny Akin: 5 Tips on Communication & Fighting Fair. I’ve condensed the list from 10 and personalized them a bit for our study.
Five (5) Tips on Communication & Fighting Fair:
1) Speak Positively of Your Spouse around Others
This is so important! Always talk about your spouse in a positive way. When Christian wives talk negatively about their husbands, it demeans them and hurts them. Ladies, when you are with your friends, talk positively about your husband. Share what he does well and how you are grateful for him.
Christian husband: same goes for you! Talk positively about your wife around others. Tell others how you are blessed to have the woman God brought into your life.
One of the benefits of this, incidentally, is that it safeguards our marriage from the possibility of a third party trying to edge his or her way into the relationship.
Christian wives, if you’ve got a problem with your husband, don’t share that problem with a male co-worker or you will unwittingly open yourself up to the possibility of infidelity.
People seldom set out to do that, but it begins this seemingly innocent way. A frustrated wife shares with another man the problems she is having at home and this other man seems so willing to listen; so concerned. Day after day, week after week, and one day the two are involved in a way they previously could have never imagined.
2) Master the Art of Listening to Your Spouse
Really listen! Indicate you understand what your spouse is saying by lovingly and carefully repeating what you heard. Just listen.
3) Limit the Discussion of the Conflict
When you are discussing a problem of some kind, limit the discussion of the conflict to the here and now. Don’t bring up things that happened years ago. Don’t “air the dirty laundry” of mistakes made in the past.
4) Use “I” Messages to Express Yourself
Use “I” messages to make your point and express your emotions. This allows you to take responsibility for your feelings. It also allows the other person to hear about your feelings without becoming defensive.
“You” messages tend to be perceived as attacks and criticisms—because that’s what they usually are!
So, rather than saying, “You don’t listen to me,” say, “I feel I’m not being heard.” Hear the difference?
5) Avoid Exaggerations such as “Always” or “Never”
Examples: “You ALWAYS say that!” or, “You NEVER get home on time!”
Such statements are very seldom true, simply because as inconsistent human beings we very seldom “always” or “never” do anything.
Hope these five tips on fighting fair help this week!
Let’s conclude this post on a positive note, an excerpt from a book written by Richard Selzer, retired medical surgeon and former professor of surgery at Yale University.
In his retirement years, he wrote a number of books including Mortal Lessons: Notes on the Art of Surgery.
In this book, Selzer recounts a personal experience of his own that aptly illustrates a husband’s faithful adoration of his wife, and the wife’s mutual love for her husband.
He writes of a surgery he once performed on a young woman that, sadly, resulted in the unfortunate disfiguring of her face:
I stand by the bed where a young woman lies. Her face post-operative, her mouth twisted in palsy; clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth has been severed. She will be thus from now on. The surgeon had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh; I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had to cut the little nerve.
Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamplight, isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself, he and this wry mouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously, greedily?
The young woman speaks, “Will my mouth always be like this?” she asks. “Yes,” I say, “it will. It is because the nerve was cut.” She nods and is silent. But the young man smiles. “I like it,” he says, “It is kind of cute.” All at once I know who he is. I understand and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with a god. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth and I am so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting to those who belong to the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.
What About You?
- If you’re married, which of these tips are most applicable to your situation?
- How can sharing marital problems with a third party possibly lead to an inappropriate relationship?
- How does Richard Selzer’s example motivate you to love your spouse “in sickness and in health?”
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