In our study of Colossians 3 thus far we have noted that when Jesus Christ is Lord of the home wives submit to their husbands (Colossians 3:18) and husbands love their wives (Colossians 3:19).

But what about children?  What does Paul teach about a family with children?

Before we read verses 20 and 21, let’s remember that children are getting their information about marriage largely from mom and dad.

Children are watching mom and dad.

Dads, your son is learning from you. Your son is likely to treat his future wife the way he observes you treating his mother.

Moms, your daughter is learning from you.  She is picking up behavior from you.  She is learning how to talk to her future husband based upon how she hears you talk about her daddy.

Children learn most about parenting from their parents; watching mom and dad.

They are listening to mom and dad; listening to them talk to each other, listening to them talk about each other.

Children: Obey Your Parents (Colossians 3:20)

“Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.” (verse 20)

We may define children in this context as sons and daughters living in the home of mom or dad under their parental guidance.  “Obeying parents” is a reversal of what is natural to the unconverted child.  Disobedience to parents is natural—for some more natural than others!

This is why disobeying parents is listed among the more heinous sins catalogued in Romans 1.  Look at the last few verses of Romans 1 and you’ll see listed among the sins of murder, sexual immorality, and haters of God, this phrase: “disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30).”

Children, obey your parents in all things.  This instruction is a reflection of the 5th commandment:

Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.

In Ephesians 6, Paul calls it “the first commandment with a promise” (Ephesians 6:2).  The promise is that if children obey their parents, it will go well with them; their lives will be better.

A child who learns to obey authority at home will learn to obey authorities in society and is far more likely to have things “go well” with him or her.

Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.

When Christ is our life (Colossians 3:4), wives submit to their husbands, husbands love their wives, and children obey their parents.

Finally, when Christ is our life, fathers will encourage their children.

Fathers: Encourage Your Children (Colossians 3:21)

“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” (verse 21)

The word “fathers” here can be understood to include both parents. Both moms and dads are often guilty of “provoking” their children. What does this mean? Ephesians 6—the parallel passage—is helpful:

Ephesians 6:4, “Do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

The idea seems to be that parents should not discourage their children to the point of exasperation.

When we fail to encourage our children, they may feel they will never live up to our standards, never make us proud; never please mom or dad.

Of course parents may also be guilty of exasperating their children by passive parenting. They may not “be there” for their children or may fail to discipline them.

Often children rebel and push back in an effort to determine whether they are truly loved by their parents. They may even behave this way unconsciously, rebelling and pushing boundaries because deep down they yearn for the correction that a loving parent provides.

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.  The primary idea seems to be the ongoing criticism of children that leads to their frustration.

Fathers, your sons and daughters may not choose the path you think they should choose.  They may make mistakes.  Lots of them!

You can raise your children according to the latest book on godly parenting, dotting all the “i”s and crossing all the “t”s, but your children will still grow to make their own decisions.

You may well “train your child up in the way he should go.”  If so, you have done well.  Your child grows and makes his or her own decisions and may even stray from the faith for a season.

If he or she strays, it is not a judgment upon your parenting abilities.

If that were so, there’d be a lot of godly Christian teachers and preachers who have failed: Billy Graham and John Piper chief among them.

John Piper held family devotions and wrote beautiful poetry for his wife, but even Piper had a rebellious grown child.

To quote the headline from an article in Christianity Today a few years ago: “If It Can Happen to John Piper, It Can Happen to You.”

I don’t mean to alarm, but rather to remind that you and I have no control over anyone or anything.  We trust a sovereign God, who always does what is right.   

So heed the warning of the opposite error: just as the bad behavior of straying children raised in godly homes is not a condemnation of your “inferior” parenting skills, so the good behavior of non-straying children is not a commendation of your “superior” parenting skills.

If you’ve got kids who have never strayed, never pushed the envelope, and always did the right thing, you’d better get on your knees and thank God above that He saw fit in His grace to give you—undeservedly—a low-maintenance bundle of joy!

And if God in His grace has given you a child that challenges you at every turn, then praise God for that child as well.  God is good and He knows what He is doing.  He has entrusted your child to you that you may raise that child well.

So do it.

What About You?

• Are you guilty of recently “provoking” your child to the point of exasperation? What can you do about that?
• Why do many Christian parents struggle with trying to “control” their children’s behavior?
• In what specific way can you encourage your child/children today?