Ever heard the expression “It Takes Two To Tango?” Or maybe you’ve heard that “Marriage Is A Two-Way Street.” Both expressions mean, of course, that both husband and wife have a role in making the marriage work. A marriage consists of two people—husband and wife—each working together, working with one another, and for one another, but never against one another.
Maybe you heard about that guy who died and went to heaven (how many jokes begin this way?!). In heaven, he sees these two signs. The first sign reads: “Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them To Do.” And under this sign there are many, many, men all standing in a line that stretches as far as the eye can see.
Then there is a second sign that reads: “Men Who Did What They Wanted To Do.” Under this sign there stands but one man—just one! So the newcomer is intrigued and goes up to the guy standing alone under the sign and says, “I’m impressed! Tell me about yourself.” And the guy standing under they sign shrugs and says, “Not much to say, my wife told me to stand here.”
It may “take two to tango,” but it takes more than two to make a marriage work. It takes three to make a marriage work because marriage is inherently a biblical institution. The family is the first institution created by God. Marriage is God’s idea. So it takes three: Husband, Wife, and the Lord.
We pick up in our verse-by-verse study of the third chapter of Colossians reading in Colossians 3:18-19:
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (v.18)
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. (v.19)
Remember the Apostle Paul is writing to Christians so he has God’s definition of marriage in view. So we’re talking about “God’s Idea of Marriage.” The text consists of two main teaching points, the first for Christian wives, the second for Christian husbands:
**God’s Plan for Your Marriage:
1) Christian Wife:
—Demonstrate Biblical Submission to Your Husband (18)
2) Christian Husband:
—Demonstrate Faithful Adoration of Your Wife (19)
In today’s post we’ll study the first action in verse 18 and look at the second action in verse 19 tomorrow, Lord willing.
Many shudder when they hear that word “submission.” The word grabs and stuns some people. So before we do anything else, let’s make sure this is not the “Word of Todd,” but the “Word of God.” Look carefully at Colossians 3:18 and read it again, making sure this is what it teaches:
Wives, submit (there’s that word) to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (verse 18)
The New Living Translation renders the last part of the verse this way: “as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.” In other words, biblical submission is expected on the part of those who “belong to the Lord.”
Okay, but what does “submit” mean?
First, it is nearly always as helpful to know what a term does not mean as well as what it does mean. So let’s talk about that first.
Biblical submission does not mean that a wife is in any way inferior to her husband. She is not inferior morally, or intellectually.
Submission also does not mean that a wife has no say in decisions in the relationship.
Neither does submission mean that a wife is to be treated as a doormat, someone to be walked upon, ignored, or walked over.
So what does it mean?
Biblical submission simply means to follow the lead of one’s husband. That’s pretty much it. Follow the leader.
Think about it: if more than one person is involved in anything, someone has to be the leader.
Have you ever been in a group of people at work or school, and everyone’s just standing around? An assignment is given, but everyone is just standing there. Someone has to lead.
Imagine a tour group and everyone is huddled together, but not going anywhere. Finally a leader emerges and says, “Okay, everyone. Here we go. Follow me.” Someone has to lead.
God creates the family and assigns the primary leadership role to the husband. This is called headship. The husband is the head of the family.
Headship does not necessarily mean the husband is smarter, wiser, or in some way morally superior to his wife. He is simply the leader.
His wife “submits” by following his lead. She yields voluntarily to the leadership of her husband.
I believe the relationship between the Persons of the Holy Trinity is helpful to our understanding the relationship of husband and wife.
In the Trinity, God is one. And God is one and three Persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
So God is one in essence. Whatever is in the Father is also in the Son. And whatever is in the Son is in the Spirit. There is no difference in essence. Father, Son, and Spirit are all one and the same in essence, nature, and worth.
Yet the Persons of the Trinity have different functions, or differing roles and responsibilities: the Son submits to the Father and the Holy Spirit submits to both the Father and the Son.
In a similar way, the difference between a husband and wife is not a difference in essence, nature, or worth, but a difference in role, responsibility, or function.
The Christian husband lovingly leads his wife and the wife yields herself graciously and voluntarily to the headship of her husband.
The assumption in the text is that the husband is, in fact, a Christian, but if he is not a believer, the principle still holds. A husband lovingly leads and a wife graciously follows—neither acting in a way that demeans the one nor exalts the other.
One of the reasons many bristle at the very mention of submission is because of the unbiblical way many worldly men have wrongly understood the term.
The secular, non-biblical understanding of submission provides a stark contrast to the biblical teaching of submission.
And it’s not just the overbearing “neanderthal-like” thuggish men with warped minds who have wrong ideas about submission. Faulty notions of submission are often discovered in literature, popular culture, art, comedy, and among the most gifted of musicians.
Have you heard the folkish song by Shel Silverstein entitled, “Put Another Log On The Fire?” The lyrics are about a simple country man who expects his wife to do everything for him. It’s meant to be funny and is intentionally exaggerated, but is also unfortunately “too true” in that it captures the way many men wrongly think of marriage:
Put another log on the fire.
Cook me up some bacon and some beans.
And go out to the car and change the tire.
Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans.
You can fill my pipe and then go fetch my slippers.
And boil me up another pot of tea.
Then put another log on the fire babe,
And come and tell me why you’re leaving me.
Now don’t I let you wash the car on Sunday?
And don’t I warn you when you’re gettin’ fat?
Ain’t I a-gonna take you fishin’ with me someday?
Well, a man can’t love a woman more than that.
And ain’t I always nice to your kid sister?
Don’t I take her driving every night?
So, sit here at my feet, cause I like you when you’re sweet,
And you know it ain’t feminine to fight.
Again, Shel Silverstein wrote the song as something of a parody of the ineptness of a man who can’t understand why his wife wants to leave him. This is what has made the song so funny to so many men and women over the years.
At the same time, however, the song also depicts an unfortunate reality in many marriages. Too many men neglect their wives, demean their wives, speak down to their wives, and then wonder why their marriage is in shambles.
Wise husbands love their wives and are grateful for their wives. It was Solomon who wrote in Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (NIV).
So how can wives best “submit” to their husbands, voluntarily yielding to their leadership?
Pray for your husband. He is the leader of the family so he needs your prayers. Pray for him. Encourage him. Talk positively about him when you are around others. Trust God to work through him as he leads.
And a wise husband knows his wife will help hims as he leads. She will be supremely helpful to him in decision-making, often providing counsel and even warning. She may see or sense something that he fails to see or sense. And generally where a husband and wife are walking hand-in-hand—each for the other and both for the Lord—they will be in agreement on most decisions.
But the ultimate responsibility for leadership falls to the husband. We’ll talk more about that tomorrow.
What About You?
- Why do think so many people bristle at the word “submit?”
- If you are married, how are you doing in your specific role or function in the marriage? What needs to change?
- What other passages in the Bible are helpful to understanding this passage?
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